Who Am I?
Well who am I? I ask myself? Hmmmm good question. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and just doing some soul searching I guess is the better term to use. I just need to get myself together and find out who I am and what I want to do with my life I guess. I need to find peace with who I am. I am in this rut and can not get out. I try different things and it does not work out. I am tired of getting knocked down all the time.
I watched this program this morning on tv and it made a lot of sense to me that is why I am writing this now. I am to hard on myself and I know I can do better but it is so, so hard for me to do the write thing.
I have to replace the negative record with the positive record now. Not that I feel sorry for myself or anything because I am not doing that. It is that I just can’t seem to get on the right track and stay there. I have times where things are going ok and think things are going to work out, then boom something happens and I am back down at the bottom again.. So I have to "try" and put a stop to that..
You see I have this thing that on the outside of my body everything may seem fine to everyone else but on the inside I have this war going on and it is just tearing me apart..." I put on my happy face but I am crying on the inside" I have to "try" and change that and that is the problem because it is so hard...
I have a very, very big problem with low self esteem and self worth and all the other "self stuff". I think of myself of nothing a lot of times. I know I am to hard on myself but that is how I am. I feel like I am worthless... I so not like myself at all and that is half of my problem. I know I have big problems with this but I think I need some help from professionals or something maybe but I hate that idea.. I do not like the way I look or anything... I am not happy with myself in anyway..
I also as of lately to am turning into a kind of perfectionist with certain things.. I have to have certain things done at a certain time or I get mad at myself .. I am getting bad with this. It is almost like excessive/compulsive disorder or something like that..
I am having very bad anxiety/panic attacks to more often to. I break out in sweats and am uncomfortable around people at times so bad I get very sweaty and panicky..
I just want to understand my purpose in life right now. Why am I here? What am I am here for?
I feel sometimes that I would be better off not being here, I think you all know what I mean by that and that is not good. I was hospitalized once for this and I don’t want to go through that again as it was no fun. At times though I feel myself slipping back to old ways and old habits and I get scared. This really scares me and I have no support and sometimes I just feel myself wanting to hurt myself:(
It does not help I DO NOT have good friends that support me anymore. I just seem to find the wrong type of friends it seems anymore.. Where do you find decent friends or people in general anymore uggg... Guys judge you on everything to and I am tired of that shit to. I really feel there are no decent guys out there anymore either.. They are in it for one thing and that is it.. Grrrrrr..
I want to become more spiritual in nature and find peace in myself. Is that to much to ask? No... I just can not find the type of help and support though.. Where do you find this and how do you find this with lack of $$??
I have a big problem to with fear. My biggest fear is dying. I am sure everyone says that though but in my case it is my biggest fear and always has been..
I struggle to get through everyday anymore. I know there are other people that have it worse than me and I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me in any way, so please don’t.. I do not want a pity party.. It is sad when you look forward to going to bed at night. Not that I sleep much anymore but it is sad to even think I look forward to going to bed at night. I have nothing to look forward to anymore so why not..
I just want to get my life in order and I need some support, it is just where to get it and where to find it.. My family is no support so that is out.. I kind of avoid them when it comes to stuff. They never ask me how I am doing or how things is going. I know a lot of this comes from how I was raised to. It comes from your roots. I had a rough childhood and still in sense have a rough time in life now to.. My family is not supportive in anything I do and that sucks. I am never good enough for them..
I also have trouble with letting go of certain things to. I hold onto things to long and I should not do that I know..
I sometimes feel like I am going crazy and I mean "crazy" to..
I would like to be more open about things with people instead of holding things in all the time. I think that is a lot of my problem to. I hold things in to much then when I explode watch out,you do not want to be around me then..
My health sucks. I have a lot of problems and can not get help with them due to lack of $$ and no health insurance.. I will not go into health problems right now though. It is kind of personal...
I can not find the right job that I can do. I feel that I am "stupid" because of that to, and I know that is wrong but that is how I feel.. I feel like I can not do anything right and I am not worth anything so why bother... I do not have much experience with jobs and that is a strike against me. I always said to people I am kind of a behind the scenes person....
I have shut out some people in my life and I don’t want to do that. I kind of shut myself from everyone at times and I don’t want to do that either.. I like to be alone? Is that wrong? Sometimes it is good to be alone to think and what not but it is not good to be alone all the time no, I know that but I have always been like this since I can remember..
I want to add to something about trust to. It is so hard for me to trust anyone anymore because of certain people and the past what they did to me. I have a big thing with the trust issue with guys and friends to. I don’t know why this is such a problem with people, I just do not understand it..
I wish I had someone I could just trust and confide in. I so need that. I do not want to be judged or anything either because of this. I just want someone I can trust to open up to and talk to.. Is that to hard to ask??
This took a lot for me to write this. I have such a headache now uggg.. If anyone has any ideas of how and what to do feel free to say so ok.. I have so much to offer to the right person and the right friends if only they would give me a chance to find out that grrrr....
I know I have a lot to work on but I need some help and support to... It would be nice..
So in summary here I want to "TRY" and change my life somehow.... I need to do some self talk to myself and talk "positive "to myself not "negative" anymore. I know that is hard for me.. I need to get a life and start enjoying life. Life is to short and it is passing me by everyday..
So thanks for reading if you did that is.. This is more of an entry for myself as a motivator.. So thanks ..... Bye for now..